


When The Black Cat Crossed His Path And Stayed

by Warp5Complex_Archivist



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: Dark, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-16
Updated: 2006-03-15
Packaged: 2018-08-16 06:17:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8090698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Warp5Complex_Archivist/pseuds/Warp5Complex_Archivist
Summary: (04/09/2003)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Kylie Lee, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Warp 5 Complex](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Warp_5_Complex), the software of which ceased to be maintained and created a security hazard. To make future maintenance and archive growth easier, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but I may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Warp 5 Complex collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/Warp5Complex).

  
Author's notes: Does deal with suicide, although it is **NOT** a deathfic. Sorry for long Author's note. I have a tendency to do that, but I always feel it necessary to give credit where credit is due. I do plan on making this fic in it entirety the first part in a larger series. In fact, I have ideas coming out the wazoo!  
  
Special thanks to RB for coming up with the title and putting up with me while I ground my teeth down. Also special thanks to my angst plotbunny Chekhov (named after the Russian playwright...and of course the character in The Original Series). This will teach me to leave my happy, naughty bunny Catullus at home.  
  
Finally, the title comes from a lyric in the song "Bone of Contention" by Spirit of the West on the Due South soundtrack. Whole lyric is "Death by his own hands when the black cat crossed his path and stayed. Close as the tattoo that never fades."  
  
Beta: ReginaBellatrix  


* * *

Malcolm entered engineering and walked over to where Trip was standing on the warp core platform.

"Commander, may I have a word with you?" Trip glanced down at Malcolm.

"What?" Trip snapped out.

If Reed was surprised by his superior's tone, he didn't show it. "I was wondering if you would be willing to help me with something down in the armory?"

Trip let out a heavy sigh. "Listen, Lieutenant, despite what you might think, I do actually have work to do here in engineering. I can't disregard my duties just because you _think_ something needs to be fixed in the armory. The engine is more important than your precious weapons. Do you understand?"

Malcolm stared at Trip for several seconds before nodding slowly. "Perfectly, sir. Sorry to have bothered you." He turned and silently walked out of engineering.

Trip watched Malcolm's retreating form before returning his attention to the display on the console.

Jon watched Trip as he nursed his beer. "What's bothering you?"

Trip looked up into Jon's eyes before turning his face. "I did it again today," he mumbled.

"Did what?"

"Snapped at Malcolm."

"Oh."

"I don't understand it, Jon. Mal's my friend. I'm in love with him, for Christ's sake! Why do I keep treating him like this?"

Jon walked over and sat down next to his friend. "He still doesn't know how you feel, does he?"

"No," he replied miserably.

"Why don't you tell him?" Jon had asked this question several times before. He held out little hope that it would be received any more favorably this time around.

"Are you crazy?!" Jon's face remained impassive. "Listen, Cap'n, Mal's my friend. I don't want to screw up what we've got just because I was foolish enough to fall in love with him."

"And you think what you're doing now is a better solution? Trip, if you keep acting the way you have been towards him, you'll still lose him. Don't you think it would be better to be honest with him?" Trip didn't respond. "What's the worse that could happen?"

"He could turn me down. I could lose his friendship. He would hate me." "I'm not sure I follow your logic."

"Think how awkward it would be. He'd feel sorry for me. We wouldn't be able to work together. It would be hell."

"Yeah, well, it doesn't seem like you're doing any better now."

Trip dropped his head. "Never mind, Cap'n. I'll figure something out on my own."

Jon dropped the subject but had serious doubts that Trip would be able to solve the problem himself.

Malcolm sat in the mess late that night with a hot cup of tea.

"May I join you, Lieutenant?" Malcolm looked up at T'Pol and gestured at the seat next to him. Meeting for tea had become a nightly ritual for the two of them.

They weren't exactly what one might call best friends; they had just discovered early on that they were ...comfortable with one another. Malcolm had found a willing confidant in the sub-commander. She didn't judge him and gave him sound advice on issues that troubled him. Nor did she pressure him to "tell all" as a human friend might.

At the same time, Malcolm didn't judge T'Pol for being a Vulcan, as the captain and commander had a tendency to do, nor did he act illogically. T'Pol had found the lieutenant to be a very intelligent and capable officer, and she respected him a great deal. She could also ask him questions about humans that puzzled her, and he responded without bias.

T'Pol had to admit that for a human, Lieutenant Reed concealed his emotions extremely well; however, as they had grown closer, she had learned to read him. She caught his attention and raised an eyebrow.

"What?"

"Is something bothering you, Lieutenant?"

"Why would you think that?" She continued to gaze at him calmly; he sighed. "Trip snapped at me again today."

"Why?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. I went into engineering to ask for his help. He told me that he had work of his own to do and to stop bothering him."

T'Pol nodded. "I see."

"Well, I'm glad one of us does," Malcolm replied darkly. "He's been irritated with me for the last couple of weeks, and I can't figure out why."

She remained silent for a moment. "I can't help but wonder if the commander is suffering from the same affliction that troubles you."

"That being?"

"He's in love with you." Malcolm let out a snort of laughter. "Why else would he act so illogically?"

"Because humans are by nature illogical," he quipped.

"Indeed." Her eyebrow raised in amusement. "Even so, I think it would be best if you talked with the commander about his behavior."

"And?"

"And tell him how you feel about him." She gave him a pointed look. "That you are in love with him."

"I'm not a fool."

"No, you are in love."

"It would be _illogical._ " T'Pol raised an eyebrow. "It would ruin our working relationship."

"No, it would be illogical to continue as you are." Malcolm didn't comment. "While it is admirable that you control your emotions, you are human, not Vulcan. As such, It would be best if you acknowledged your feelings for the Commander and told him."

"I'll think about it." T'Pol nodded, deciding it was best not to pressure the Lieutenant further.

Several days later, _Enterprise_ came across a ship that had been attacked and needed help with repairs. Archer, T'Pol, Trip, and Malcolm stood looking down at a blueprint of the ship that needed help.

"I'll take a few people from engineering down with me to check out the damage."

Jon nodded at Trip, while T'Pol shook her head. "What's the matter with that plan, Sub-Commander?" Archer asked, annoyed. He hadn't slept well for the last couple of days and was grumpy and out of sorts, certainly not in the mood for an argument.

"The ship is Umbrian. They are friendly but wary of strangers. It would be best to only send two people over to begin with so as not to make them nervous."

Trip nodded. "Fine. I'll take Ensign Cramer with me."

Malcolm turned to Archer. "I'm not sure that's a good idea, Captain." Jon closed his eyes and took a deep breath before turning to Reed. Couldn't Malcolm just drop it for once?

"Why not?"

"What do we know about this species?"

"That they are a friendly, just like the sub-commander said."

"And that they are wary of strangers. I don't think it would be wise to send the commander over without a member of security."

"I'm sure he'll be fine," Jon replied through gritted teeth.

"If you'll pardon my saying so, sir, his past record suggests otherwise."

Trip turned angry eyes on Malcolm. "So what, you think I can't take care of myself?"

"I didn't say that."

"Then why are ya makin' such an issue of this? Why do ya always make such an issue about it?" Trip growled.

Malcolm concealed his anger and responded. "I would rather not risk your safety. It is my job to protect you."

Trip turned angry eyes on Jon. "Cap'n?"

Archer looked at the two men, angry at the lieutenant for overreacting and at the commander for putting Malcolm's back up. "Fine, Lieutenant, you go with him. If he gets into trouble, it will be on your head." Malcolm nodded curtly. "Commander, Lieutenant, you are dismissed."

Archer and T'Pol watched them go. "Sub-Commander, you have the bridge. I'll be in my ready room."

"A word before you go, sir."

"What is it?" He snarled.

"Might I suggest you get some sleep, sir? You appear to be ...short-tempered."

"I'm fine." He clipped out.

She nodded slowly, and he stalked out.

Trip and Malcolm didn't look at one another as their shuttlepod docked onto the Umbrian ship.

"After you, Lieutenant. Wouldn't want to put myself in danger."

Malcolm refused to comment. He stepped ahead of the commander and onto the other ship. Three aliens were there to greet them.

"Everythin' secure, Lieutenant?"

"Appears to be."

Trip stepped forward to greet their hosts. "I'm Commander Tucker, Chief Engineer aboard the starship _Enterprise._ " He gestured toward Malcolm. "This is Lieutenant Reed, our Chief of Security."

The aliens glanced at Malcolm, taking a step back from him.

"Why did you bring a warrior aboard our ship? We do not intend to harm you."

Trip turned a self-satisfied smirk on Malcolm. Malcolm ignored it. "We did not believe you would; however, Commander Tucker is a very important member of our crew, and as such, we do all within our power to keep him safe."

The aliens nodded slowly in understanding. "But you have sent only one engineer? Our damages are extensive."

"I'm also trained as an engineer," Malcolm replied quickly.

"Ahh, a man of many talents." The aliens bowed, smiling.

"If you could just show us where the damage is..." Trip began.

The aliens nodded and turned to lead the way.

"Plannin' on helping with the repairs, are ya?"

"If necessary."

"Well, I can't have you askin me questions all the time. I'll be too busy."

"I wasn't exactly planning on fixing the warp core," he replied in clipped tones. "I'm sure there will be something I can handle."

"Yeah, well, stay out of my way."

"Trust me, I will," Malcolm said quietly to Trip's retreating form. The captain had told him to keep the commander out of trouble and that was exactly what he was going to do.

Several hours later, Trip and Malcolm were working silently side by side in the access tunnels. Trip observed Malcolm out of the corner of his eye, watching as his hands moved efficiently and gracefully as he checked wires and replaced circuits.

Trip closed his eyes. This was torture. He was confined in a space where he could barely move, barely think, and where he was barely a foot away from Malcolm. He'd had fantasies about making love to Malcolm in _Enterprise's_ Jefferies tubes, and to be in such a similar place and not be able to touch the other man was excruciating.

He could feel one of his moods coming on. He didn't know why he did it, he never knew why he did it. He just found himself lashing out at Malcolm for the most trivial reasons, pushing Malcolm away to protect himself, while at the same time feeling like he was ripping out his heart.

"Do you have to hog all the tools?"

"Huh?" Malcolm glanced at Trip with a puzzled expression.

"Are you using that wrench?"

"Clearly not."

"Well, what if I need to use it?" Trip demanded.

Malcolm put the tool he was using down, leaned back and looked Trip in the eye.

"Are ya going to answer me?" Malcolm remained silent, studying the other man. "What are you staring at?"

"What's the matter, Trip?"

"Huh?"

Malcolm tried to think of the best way to proceed. All he knew was he couldn't deal with Trip's behavior any longer. "Have I done something to offend you?"

"What are you talking about?" Trip drew back.

"You've been out of sorts for weeks now. We used to get along so well, but for the last couple of weeks it seems like everything I say or do makes you angry. I can only assume that I've done something to upset you."

Trip looked at him warily. "I don't know what yer talkin' about."

"No?"

"No."

"All right. Then you have no explanation for your behavior? No reason to give me?"

Trip swallowed hard. "No," he said harshly, too scared to admit what was bothering him.

"Fine. Then I will be forced to file a formal complaint against you when we get back on the ship."

"What?!"

"To be frank, sir, you have been a complete bastard. If you can't give me a reason for your conduct, I can only assume the problem lies solely with you. If that's the case, you need to work on your own behavior. I've tried to talk to you, and it hasn't settled anything. The only step I can take is to file a formal complaint with starfleet."

"You son of a bitch."

"Pardon?"

"Move."

"What?"

"Get out of the way."

Malcolm looked around. "Where do you expect me to go?"

Trip gritted his teeth and pushed Malcolm back, crawling over him. "Commander, what are you doing?"

"Gettin' away from you. If you feel the need to check up on me, I'll be on the bridge."

Malcolm's jaw tightened and he nodded curtly. Fine, he'd let Trip go and cool off. If they came back tomorrow, Trip could bring one of his engineers. This ship wasn't a threat, and Malcolm couldn't handle spending another day in close company with a man who clearly wanted nothing to do with him.

He was torn from his thoughts by the sound of shouts and curses coming from the hall. He could hear Trip's voice yelling ...and then it suddenly stopped, followed by a shrill scream. Malcolm rushed out of the tube, pushing past people to find Trip lying on the ground in a pool of blood.


	2. Chapter 2

Malcolm ran over and knelt at Trip's side, feeling for a pulse. Thank God, he was still alive. "Trip! Trip! Can you hear me?"

Trip opened his eyes, looking blearily up at Malcolm. "Mal?" He said weakly.

"Yes, I'm here. We'll get you to Phlox."

Trip grabbed Malcolm's hand. "Don't leave me."

"I won't."

Trip closed his eyes, falling unconscious.

Malcolm pulled out his Communicator. "Reed to Archer."

"Yes?" "Trip's been injured."

"What happened?!"

"I don't know, sir."

"You don't know?" Archer snapped.

An alien stepped forward. "Two of our men were fighting. The commander tried to stop them; one of them lashed out at him with a knife."

"I heard, Lieutenant. I'll notify Phlox and have him standing by."

Malcolm continued to hold Trip's hand as he was brought back on Enterprise; Archer, T'Pol and Phlox were waiting for them. Phlox immediately took action and had Trip sent to Sickbay.

"Doctor, is he going to be okay?" Malcolm asked.

"I have no way of knowing, Lieutenant. He appears to have lost a lot of blood."

Malcolm swallowed hard and nodded. Phlox turned and headed towards Sickbay; Reed moved to follow but was stayed by Archer's hand on his shoulder.

"Where do you think you're going, Lieutenant?"

Malcolm stared at his Captain. "To Sickbay."

"Why? Are you injured?"

"No," was his puzzled response.

"So while Trip is hurt, possibly dying, you remain unscathed?"

"Yes, sir."

"You said you would protect him," Archer snarled. "You insisted on going with him and now he's in surgery."

"I know, sir."

"You disgust me." Malcolm paled. "You make such an issue about going first, telling me what I should and should not do, but when your expertise is actually needed, you fail. You hypocrite."

T'Pol stepped forward. "Captain, your behavior is inappropriate."

"Stay out of this, Sub-Commander." He returned his attention to Malcolm, face tight with anger.

"You are a danger to this crew."

"Yes, sir."

"This is entirely your fault."

"Yes, sir."

"Is that all you have to say? Yes, sir?"

"Yes, sir."

Archer growled and turned on his heel, leaving a very pale Malcolm in his wake.

"Are you all right, Lieutenant?" T'Pol placed a hand on his shoulder.

Malcolm glanced at the sub-commander. "Fine."

T'Pol nodded, not believing him for a second. "Why don't we get a cup of tea? We can drink it in my quarters."

Malcolm nodded jerkily and walked with T'Pol down the hall.

Several hours later, Malcolm had gathered his frayed nerves together and walked towards Sickbay. He was aware that the captain didn't want him anywhere near Trip but he had to know how his friend was doing.

He walked into Sickbay only to find Archer talking to Phlox. "How is he?"

"He'll be fine, Captain. The knife grazed the side of his head; that was why there was so much blood." Phlox suddenly grinned. "Luckily for the commander, he has a very hard head." Jon smiled weakly.

Phlox glanced over Archer's shoulder and saw Malcolm. "Ah, Lieutenant Reed. Here to check on Commander Tucker's progress?"

Jon whirled around and glared at Malcolm. "So Lieutenant, did you hear that?"

"Yes, sir."

"He'll be fine."

"Yes, sir."

"No thanks to you," Jon growled.

Phlox's mouth dropped open in shock. "Captain, please be civil."

"Why? If not for him, Trip wouldn't be in here."

Phlox normally genial face darkened. "If you are not civil, I will have to ask you to leave."

"It's all right, Doctor. I'll go." Malcolm turned and exited Sickbay before Phlox could respond.

"Captain."

Archer turned and met the doctor's eyes.

"May I ask what's going on?"

"He hurt Trip."

"Oh? I was under the impression that the lieutenant was not present when the commander was injured."

"Precisely."

"I see." Phlox studied Archer for several seconds before nodding curtly. "I will inform you should the commander's condition change." Phlox watched the captain leave, puzzling over his odd behavior.

"You don't have to go with me, Sub-Commander." T'Pol glanced over at Malcolm as they walked down the corridors towards Sickbay the next afternoon.

"I would like to see how the commander is doing, as well." Malcolm suspected that wasn't her only motivation but felt it best not to comment.

Phlox smiled at them as they entered. "Here to see the commander?" Malcolm nodded. "Excellent. He is awake and ready for visitors."

"You go first, Lieutenant." Malcolm nodded at T'Pol and walked over to Trip's bed.

"How are you doing?"

Trip looked up at Malcolm and blanched. Malcolm was the last person he wanted to see at the moment. "Fine."

"Fine? Is that my definition of fine or everyone else's?"

Trip didn't comment. He didn't want to talk to Malcolm; just wanted him to go away. Malcolm had been right; he'd behaved like a bastard and he'd been hurt just as he had insisted he wouldn't be.

"So when are ya gonna say it?" He demanded.

"Say what?"

"I told you so."

"I wasn't planning on saying any such thing."

"Yeah. Right."

"Honestly."

"Listen Mal, I really don't want to talk right now. Why don't you just go away?"

"Go away," Malcolm repeated slowly.

"Yeah."

"Understood, sir." Malcolm turned towards T'Pol to gesture that she could come over and talk to Trip but found Phlox and T'Pol staring at him with shock.

He walked towards them and pasted a false smile on his face. "All yours, Sub-Commander."

"Lieutenant..." She began.

"I don't want to talk about it," he said firmly.

T'Pol and Phlox nodded slowly and watched Malcolm leave.

"May I have a word with you, Doctor?" Phlox nodded curtly and gestured towards his office.

"I am concerned about the Lieutenant, Doctor."

"As am I."

T'Pol glanced at Phlox. "The commander has been treating Reed harshly of late."

"Do you know if they have broken up?"

T'Pol turned a puzzled gaze towards Phlox. "Broken up?"

"Aren't they a couple? Given the way they look at one another, I assumed..."

"No, they are not." She said firmly, then sighed. "I know the lieutenant has strong feelings for the commander. I believe the commander returns those feelings; however, the two men refuse to tell one another." Phlox nodded in understanding. "I think that in the commander's need to mask his feelings, he is lashing out at Reed, pushing him away."

"It makes sense. It would explain the commander's behavior earlier."

"I am concerned for the lieutenant's safety," she explained

"Are you afraid that given the lieutenant's ...low self-esteem, he may try something?"

She nodded. "Captain Archer's behavior towards him yesterday would not help matters."

"You heard about his outburst in Sickbay?" Phlox asked, surprise clearly written on his face.

"No. I speak of his outburst when we brought Commander Tucker back on board."

Phlox turned concerned eyes on T'Pol. "I believe it would be wise to keep an eye on the lieutenant until we have a chance to talk to the commander and Archer."

"I agree."

Trip was released from Sickbay the next day. T'Pol and Phlox kept a close eye on Malcolm, making sure he didn't try to harm himself. They planned to get the two other men together and have a talk with them; unfortunately, an appropriate time had yet to present itself.

Malcolm sat at his console on the bridge, watching Archer and Trip. Trip was ignoring him. The engineer had come onto the bridge several times and had never once come near him, never even met his eyes. This was it then. Their friendship was well and truly over. Had Trip found out about his feelings? Had he been disgusted by them? Had his love for Trip pushed the other man away? It was bad enough Trip didn't return his feelings, but how could he live with Trip's hatred?

With the captain it was worse. The captain didn't ignore him. The captain glared, he snarled, he lashed out, blaming every tiny problem on Malcolm. Where had he gone wrong? When had he lost the Captain's respect so completely?

Malcolm stumbled down the hall shortly after getting off duty, not noticing the concerned looks of those around him. They hated him. Everyone hated him. Trip wouldn't speak to him. His "best friend" wanted nothing to do with him. His captain had lost faith in him, no longer believed he was capable of doing his job. It was all Malcolm had in the world. He loved Enterprise, and Archer was probably only waiting for the right time to ask for his resignation. Malcolm blindly opened the door to his quarters, not seeing anything in front of him.

He glanced to his side, staring with single minded intent at the drawer of his desk. He opened it and picked up the old dagger he kept there. He fingered the sharp edges, contemplating the hard steel. What was the point of going on? What was the point of living any longer?


	3. Chapter 3

Archer caught Trip's eye and waved him over.

"Cap'n?"

"How are you feeling?"

"I have a bit of a headache but otherwise feel fine."

Archer nodded. "And the repairs on the Umbrian ship? How are they going?"

"Lieutenant Hess informed me that they're almost done."

"All right."

Trip could tell from his friend's tone of voice that Archer was avoiding something. "Anything else?"

Archer met Trip's gaze. "Phlox and T'Pol want us to meet them in Sickbay."

"Why?" Trip had a puzzled expression.

"I don't know."

Trip nodded. "When?"

"Now."

"Fine then." The two headed towards the lift.

Hoshi was standing outside of Malcolm's door with a concerned look on her face when Archer and Trip passed her in the hall on their way to Sickbay

"Commander?"

Trip turned at the sound of Hoshi's voice. "Yeah, Hosh?"

"Could you open Malcolm's door for me?"

Jon and Trip walked towards her.

"He can't do that, Ensign. It's against regulations."

Hoshi looked up into Jon's face. "I know, sir, but I'm really worried about him. He was supposed to meet me for dinner but he didn't show up. He's rarely late and if something delays him, he always calls." Jon looked like he was about to comment when Hoshi quickly said. "I know he isn't in the armory because I called there." She paused, taking a deep breath. "He seemed out of sorts on the bridge today. I need to know he's all right."

"Yes, well the lieutenant hasn't been on top of things lately, has he?" Jon sniped. Hoshi took a step back from him.

"Please, sir," she pleaded.

Jon sighed. "Trip, open the door."

He nodded and punched in his override code, opening the door. They could hear the shower running in the bathroom.

"See Hosh, he's just taking a shower," Trip said.

Hoshi frowned. "Why would he do that? He was supposed to meet me. Could you go in there and check on him?" She turned imploring eyes on him.

Trip gave her a look. "You've got to be kidding. I'm sure he'd really appreciate me walking in on him."

Hoshi's face grew tight with anger. "Fine. I'll do it myself. Thank you for helping me, sir," she replied crisply.

The men nodded and turned to leave. Hoshi drew herself up and walked purposefully towards the bathroom.

Jon and Trip stepped out of Malcolm's quarters and began to walk down the corridor when they heard Hoshi scream.

They rushed blindly into Malcolm's quarters and into the bathroom to find Hoshi staring in horror at the still figure lying at the bottom of the shower.

Malcolm was still in uniform, slumped on the floor with water running over him, blood spilling from his cut wrists. A dagger lay by his side.

Trip ran over to Malcolm's side, pulling him into his lap and putting his arms around him. Jon remained standing at the door, staring in shock at his armory officer. Hoshi took action quickly, turning off the water and throwing several towels at Trip. He looked at her uncomprehending.

"Put them around his wrists, Trip," she ordered. He nodded slowly and began to wrap the other man's wrists, staunching the blood flow.

"Captain." Jon's head snapped up. "Call Phlox."

Hoshi then quickly checked Malcolm's pulse. "He's still alive. Pick him up, Commander. We need to get him to Sickbay as quickly as possible."

He looked up at her blankly.

"Commander, pick him up. Now," she ordered firmly.

Trip shook himself and picked up his friend, rushing out of the bathroom. Hoshi grabbed Jon's elbow as they left. "Come on, Captain, we have to make sure Trip can get through the halls." Jon nodded, grateful for Hoshi's guidance, and the two of them ran ahead, clearing a path for Trip. Hoshi periodically ran back to his side to check on how Malcolm was doing.

They soon made it to Sickbay where Phlox and T'Pol were waiting.

"What happened?" Phlox asked.

"I think he tried to commit suicide. Slit his wrists," Hoshi answered.

Phlox nodded. "I'll take it from here."

T'Pol, Hoshi, Jon, and Trip waited for what seemed like hours for Phlox to come out of surgery. Hoshi was pale and suffering from the shock of finding her friend dying, and T'Pol was doing her best to soothe the shaking woman. Trip and Jon simply sat, staring ahead blankly, faces white.

Phlox stepped out of surgery and walked over to the four of them; they all stood up, waiting for his report.

"I believe the lieutenant will survive. You are lucky you found him when you did; any longer and he probably would have been dead." Hoshi swallowed hard and nodded, blinking back tears.

"Can I see him?" She asked softly.

"He isn't awake, he wouldn't know you were there. I'm keeping him sedated until he recovers a bit of his strength."

"I need to see him, Doctor," she mumbled quietly. "I need to know he's still here."

Phlox nodded. "If you wish. Sub-Commander, would you accompany her?" T'Pol nodded, and Phlox allowed the two women to pass. Jon and Trip moved to follow them when the doctor blocked their path. "No."

"Pardon?" Trip said shakily.

"No. You may not see him."

"What?" Jon demanded.

Phlox stared down the two men. "It is my belief that your behavior towards the lieutenant may be the cause for his suicide attempt." Trip paled further; Jon swallowed hard. "The Sub- Commander and I were worried he might try something like this; it is why we wanted to talk to you. Unfortunately, we failed the lieutenant." Phlox straightened his shoulders. "Well, we will not fail again."

"I'm the captain. You can't keep me from seeing him," Jon stated, growing rigid with anger.

"You have no power here, Captain," Phlox replied, calmly. "I believe you are a threat to the lieutenant's health. That being the case, it is within my power to decide what is best for him and to act on that decision. While the lieutenant is here, you will not see him. Whether or not he chooses to speak to you after he is let out will be up to him. I suggest you use the time he is here to come to terms with what you have done and find a way to convince him that you are sorry for your actions." Trip remained pale and silent, while Jon's face turned red with anger.

"But—"

Phlox's face darkened. "Leave."

"What?"

"Leave. Don't make me call security to escort you out."

Jon nodded sharply and grabbed Trip's elbow, dragging the shaking man from Sickbay.

After they had left, T'Pol and Hoshi walked up behind Phlox.

"What were you talking about?" Hoshi asked.

Phlox turned towards her, catching T'Pol's eye. "I will explain it to her, Doctor." Phlox nodded and went to check on Malcolm while T'Pol explained what had led up to Reed's attempted suicide.


	4. Chapter 4

"What happened?" Travis gasped.

Hoshi was sitting cross-legged on Travis' bed that evening, watching as his mouth dropped open at the news of Malcolm being in Sickbay.

"Malcolm attempted to commit suicide this evening. I found him in the shower with his wrists slit open."

"Is he all right? Is he going to make it?" His voice breaking with emotion.

Hoshi nodded solemnly. "Phlox thinks so, but he's going to be in Sickbay for awhile."

Travis sat down next to her. "Why did he do it?" He asked harshly, throat clogged with emotion.

Hoshi lowered her head, trying to decide what was the best way to proceed. "I don't think Phlox and T'Pol are entirely sure, although they have their suspicions."

"And those are?"

"You know how Trip has been kind of ...short-tempered with Mal lately?"

Travis nodded. "So Trip's behavior set him off?"

"Not entirely, but it was a factor. When Malcolm went to protect him on the alien ship, they had an argument. Malcolm apparently decided to let Trip go and cool off. Trip came upon two of the aliens fighting and tried to put a stop to it. He was injured in the process. Anyway, when they got back on Enterprise, Captain Archer blamed everything on Malcolm."

"And?"

"You know how Mal is. He blamed himself for everything and agreed with the captain, who was apparently quite harsh."

"So that's why he did it? Because of Trip's behavior, the captain's reprimand, and his own guilt?"

"That and the fact that Trip told him to leave when he went to see him in Sickbay, and when he got out, completely ignored him. The captain was apparently still harboring a grudge, as well."

"He was pretty nasty to Mal on the bridge today."

Hoshi nodded. "And it was enough to push a man who already had issues over the edge."

"What can we do to help?"

Hoshi looked Travis straight in the eye. "Give him all the support we can."

It was not surprising that everyone on board knew of Lieutenant Reed's condition by noon the next day. Given the size of the ship and Travis' inability to keep his mouth shut, it was odd that it took that long to get around the ship. Phlox had an entire list of people who wished to be informed the second Malcolm regained consciousness.

Jon walked onto the bridge that morning. "Ensign Mayweather, what's it been like this morning?"

"Fine, sir," he replied briskly.

Jon frowned at his tone. He glanced over at Hoshi. "How are you this morning, Ensign?"

"Fine, sir," she replied in clipped tones. Her voice sent shivers down his spine.

He turned to speak T'Pol only to find she had her back to him.

"Uh, right. Well, I guess I'll be in my ready room if you need me."

Later that morning, Trip walked into engineering, only to be faced with glares from every crewman he passed. Since he wasn't in the best of moods to begin with, he decided the safest place would be his office, where he spent the rest of the day.

Malcolm woke up two days later, to find himself strapped to one of the beds in Sickbay. Uncomprehending of where he was or how he'd got there, he automatically began to struggle against the restraints.

Phlox rushed to his side. "Lieutenant, calm down."

Malcolm looked up at Phlox warily. "What am I doing here?" He rasped.

"You tried to commit suicide, Mr. Reed." Phlox waited for Malcolm to comment but the other man remained silent. "Ms. Sato, Mr. Tucker, and Captain Archer found you and brought you here."

"Why did they bother?" He replied weakly.

"Why did who bother?"

"Trip and the captain."

"Ms. Sato was worried when you didn't show up for dinner. She ...ordered the commander to open your door. The captain was with him at the time."

"Oh." Malcolm didn't meet Phlox's gaze.

"May I ask you a question, Malcolm?"

"Why not? It's not like I'm going anywhere," he replied dryly.

Phlox smiled over his comment but his face quickly sobered. "Why did you do it?"

Malcolm looked up at Phlox intently, considering the doctor. "What was the point?"

"The point?"

"My best friend hated me. The captain was going to make me resign my position..."

"Did he say that?"

"No, but given the way he was acting, it seemed inevitable."

"Ah."

"What was the point of going on? It's not like I have anything waiting for me on Earth."

"Logical. But you forgot something, Mr. Reed."

"What?"

"That there are a lot of people on this ship who care about you. I have an entire list of people who demanded that I let them know the second you woke up. They were very upset at the thought of losing you." Malcolm swallowed hard. "Are you up to visitors?"

Malcolm didn't say anything, not sure how to respond. "I would consider it a personal favor, Lieutenant, if you would see them. I worry for my own safety. They might harm me if I keep you from them." Malcolm finally nodded jerkily. Phlox smiled and left his side.

Several moments later Phlox stepped onto the bridge. "Captain?"

Archer turned and met Phlox eyes. "Yes?"

"May I make an announcement to the ship?"

"Certainly." Jon nodded to Hoshi and she opened up a comm

"Attention crew, this is Dr. Phlox. Many of you have expressed an interest in knowing when Lieutenant Reed woke up. I would like to inform you that he is doing quite well and I feel he is ready to receive visitors. Thank you."

Phlox smiled at Hoshi as she turned off the comm and he started to leave the room.

"Phlox."

"Yes, Captain?"

"Can I..."

"No."

Jon pursed his lips as Phlox left.

Malcolm tried desperately to fade into the wall as several of his security officers crowded around him, concern clearly written on all their faces.

"How are you feeling, sir?"

"Do you want me to bring you something to read?"

"I'd be happy to come and keep you updated everyday."

"Do you like sports? I could hook up a monitor for you."

"Or movies? I have lots of movies."

"Want me to steal some dessert for you?"

"I subscribe to a weapons magazine. I could bring some copies for you to read."

Malcolm's eyes snapped back and forth between his crewmates, not sure how to respond.

"Sir?"

"Uh, I'm fine, thanks," he replied weakly.

They smiled at him in understanding. "Well, just let us know if you change your mind."

The security officers left Malcolm's bed just as Jon entered Sickbay. He was going to see Malcolm. Phlox couldn't stop him.

"Captain? What are you doing here?" Phlox asked.

"I'm here to see Malcolm."

"No, you aren't."

"Yes. I. Am."

Phlox turned to the officers. "Would you please escort the captain from Sickbay?"

The officers' faces hardened. "With pleasure," one said. Jon had no choice but to retreat.

Jon ate dinner later that evening with only T'Pol for company.

"I tried to see Malcolm today."

"I know."

Jon's head came up and he stared at T'Pol.

"What do you mean, you know?"

"Phlox told me."

"If you're so chummy with Phlox, why don't you tell him to back down?"

"Because I agree with him."

"How am I supposed to apologize to Malcolm if I can't talk to him? Tell me that."

T'Pol put down her fork and considered Jon for several moments. "I don't think you're ready to apologize."

"What do you mean by that?"

"You are still angry. It would be best if you didn't approach the lieutenant until you have gained control over your emotions. Not until you realize that Phlox is not the enemy and is only doing what he feels best for the lieutenant will you be ready to make amends. Your behavior pushed Lieutenant Reed over the edge; naturally, we do not want that to happen again. Now if you will, excuse me."

Jon continued to sit at the table for almost an hour, considering T'Pol's words. For the first time actually thinking about his actions.

While Jon had responded to Phlox with anger, Trip had withdrawn into himself. He went to work but usually spent the day in the office, unable to face the crew. It was clear that they all knew what had happened to Malcolm and blamed him for it, having noticed his behavior in the previous weeks. He blamed himself.

He took his meals in his quarters, when he actually remembered to eat, and barely slept at night. His features were growing gaunt and pale and there were dark circles under his eyes. Trip's behavior did not go unnoticed by Phlox and T'Pol; they were beginning to worry that Malcolm wasn't the only person who would need aid.

T'Pol was relieved when she found Trip sitting in the mess one evening, drinking a cup of coffee. While she had wanted the commander to realize the consequences of his actions, she did not want to put him in a position where he, too, might attempt suicide.

"May I join you, Commander?"

Trip looked up at her. "Uh, yeah, sure."

She sat down next to him and sipped at her tea. They sat in silence for several minutes.

"It is interesting to find you here, Commander," she finally said. "This is not normal behavior for you, is it?"

Trip glanced over at her. "What do ya mean?"

She sat back in her chair and took another sip of tea. "I usually meet Lieutenant Reed here for tea in the evenings. I have never noticed you coming for coffee."

"You met Mal?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

T'Pol considered him. "We are friends, Commander Tucker. Why wouldn't we meet?"

He nodded and stared into his coffee. "I didn't know that. I should have known that." He looked up at her suddenly. "How's he doing?"

"Fine."

"Phlox still won't let me see him." He returned his attention to his coffee. "I don't know what I'd say to him if I could."

T'Pol contemplated her next move. "Why not tell him the truth?"

"The truth?"

She looked him directly in the eye. "The reason you pushed him away. He deserves an explanation." Trip didn't respond; she took a chance. "Perhaps admit that you are in love with him."

Trip's head snapped up. "How'd ya know?"

"It was obvious." Trip scowled. "The longing in your eyes was clear."

"Yeah, well, what's the point of telling him? He wouldn't believe me anyway. Not after the way I treated him."

"You should still tell him."

"I'll think about it."

"No, don't think about it, do it. You see what not telling him did. You have until he gets out of Sickbay and then you must tell him."

Trip watched as she got up and left.

Jon entered Sickbay several days later and walked directly over to Phlox.

"Doctor, I'd like to see Malcolm. I need to apologize to him," he said humbly. "May I see him?"

Phlox considered him for several seconds. "Certainly. Go on back."

Jon slowly walked towards Malcolm's biobed. It was several moments before Malcolm noticed him.

"Captain," he said warily.

"How are you feeling, Lieutenant?" Jon asked softly.

"Fine, sir."

Jon nodded, looking down at his feet. He remained silent for several moments before looking up into Malcolm's face. "I'm so sorry, Malcolm."

"Pardon?" Malcolm choked out.

"I'm sorry. I treated you badly when you didn't deserve it. You are the best armory officer this ship could ever have. No one could have taken better care of Trip than you, and in my concern for one friend, I hurt another. Please forgive me."

Malcolm nodded. "Apology accepted," he said slowly.

"Thank you," Jon whispered.

T'Pol walked into Trip's office in engineering the next day. "Sub- Commander, can I do something for ya?"

"Lieutenant Reed is going to be released from Sickbay this afternoon. I have talked with Phlox, and we both agree that it would be best for someone to accompany Mr. Reed back to his quarters. Would you be willing to do so?"

Trip nodded.

"Good. It would be an excellent opportunity for you to have a chat with Lieutenant Reed."

Trip pulled back, looking at her warily. "Are ya sure that's a good idea? He might need more time..."

"I would prefer to not have to order you. I would suggest you take the hint."

"I'll try," he conceded at her pointed look.

T'Pol inclined her head, leaving the office, pleased with Trip's concession.


	5. Chapter 5

"Can I help you with something, Commander?" Trip looked over at Phlox.

"Uh, yeah. T'Pol came to my office and asked me to escort Malcolm back to his quarters," Trip replied uncertainly.

"Ah, yes. I'll go get him." Trip shuddered as Phlox gave one of his smiles.

Phlox went behind a curtain, and a short while later he came back out with Malcolm. Trip devoured him with his eyes, taking in the pale features. He wanted nothing more than to put his arms around the other man and hold him but knew his attentions would be neither welcome nor proper.

Malcolm looked up and paused, noticing the man before him. "Trip."

Phlox put a hand at Malcolm's back pushing him forward. "The commander will be escorting you back to your quarters."

"Will he?"

Phlox nodded, folding his hands behind his back, he then turned his attention to Trip. "Now Commander, please make sure that the lieutenant gets to his quarters safely. Maybe you could bring him something to eat from the mess once he gets settled?" Trip nodded silently. "Excellent. Now he needs to rest; try to ensure that he stays in bed. A quiet evening would be best, so please endeavor to keep his many admirers at bay."

Malcolm raised an eyebrow at this comment. "My many admirers? I'm not a child, Doctor."

"No. But since I have agreed to let you out of Sickbay, you must agree to take care of yourself. I'm simply informing the commander of what I expect so that he will help to ...remind you of my wishes." Malcolm snorted. "Do you think you can handle that, Commander?"

Trip looked into Phlox's expectant gaze. "I'll do my best."

"Good. Now off with you. I'm looking forward to some peace and quiet again."

Trip followed Malcolm out of Sickbay.

Trip felt very self-concious as he walked with Malcolm down the corridors of Enterprise. People stopped and stared as they saw the two men pass, surprised to see the commander with Lieutenant Reed. Trip kept on waiting for the hostile looks he'd learned to expect as they walked past, he didn't notice the odd look Malcolm cast him over his skittish behavior.

When they reached their destination, Malcolm opened the door and then turned to Trip. "You don't have to stay, Commander."

"I promised Phlox I'd see ya settled."

Malcolm considered him for a moment and then ducked into his room, Trip right behind him. He went and sat on the bed, leaving Trip standing by the door feeling horribly awkward. "Really Commander, I'll be fine."

Trip wanted nothing more than to leave and escape to his quarters but knew that T'Pol and Phlox would hunt him down if he didn't stay and talk to Malcolm. "Are ...are you sure ya don't want something to eat or anythin'?" He stammered.

"No, I'm fine. Did you want something?" Malcolm was looking at him expectantly.

"Um ...well." He looked away from the lieutenant's intent gaze.

"Why don't you sit down? Your fidgeting is making me nervous."

"Oh, yeah. Right." Trip pulled Malcolm's desk chair out, happy to have something to do.

"Now, what's on your mind?"

Trip took a deep breath. "I wanted to apologize ...for everything."

Malcolm narrowed his eyes, considering the other man. "All right. Apology accepted."

Trip nodded and looked down at his hands, staring at them intently.

"Is there something else on your mind, Commander?"

He looked up again. "Yeah."

When Trip didn't immediately speak, Malcolm gave him an expectant look. "Yes?"

"I feel ...I feel I owe ya an ...an explanation for my behavior over the last couple of weeks."

"I was under the impression that you didn't want to talk about it."

"I didn't. I don't, really."

Malcolm frowned. "Then why are you here?"

Trip looked up at the man who had once been his friend. "To be honest, I'm scared."

"Scared?"

"I don't know how you'll react."

"Why don't you just try?"

"You'd be surprised how hard that is," he mumbled.

"I doubt it," Malcolm said softly.

Trip took a deep breath. "I respect you a great deal, Mal. Yer a hard worker and yer real good at what you do. I was proud to consider you my friend." Trip looked up to find Malcolm's attentive gaze fixed on him, he looked away. "After I got to know ya, well, my feelings began to change."

Malcolm swallowed hard, breath labored. "You began to hate me," he said softly.

Trip's head shot up, stricken. "God, no. I didn't hate ya. I ...I fell in love with you."

Silence filled the room as Malcolm stared at him in shock. "You fell in love with me?"

Trip nodded his head jerkily. "I didn't want to tell you. I was afraid you'd be disgusted with me, that you'd push me away. I figured I could deal with it on my own, and we could still be friends. Only, I ...I didn't handle it right. Instead of conquering my feelings for you, they just grew stronger. I took out my frustration on you. Lashed out at you to protect myself." Trip's voice choked and he fought back tears. "I can understand if you never want to speak to me again. It wasn't right for me to treat you like that, either as a friend or as someone who loved you."

Trip didn't notice as Malcolm stood up and walked over to him. He felt a hand on top of his head, and as he looked up into Malcolm's concerned eyes, the hand drifted down to caress his cheek. "So let me get this straight, you snapped at me and pushed me away because you were afraid I'd be disgusted by the fact that you loved me?" He asked softly.

"Yes."

Malcolm grabbed Trip's chin and stared directly into his eyes. "Why would I be disgusted?" He whispered harshly. "Trip, you weren't the only one who was scared. I was in love with you, as well."

"You were?"

"Yes."

Trip continued to look into Malcolm's eyes before his gaze faltered and his features grew pale. "Oh, God," he breathed. "You loved me and I ...and I..." He stood up, jerking away, his shoulders shaking.

Malcolm took Trip's hand in his and made the other man face him. "Don't turn your back on me, Trip." He gazed intently into the other man's stricken face. "You pushed me away once and it almost destroyed our friendship. Never do that to me again. Do you understand?" He said forcefully.

Trip nodded solemnly.

"All right, then." He stepped closer, his voice lowering. "Then I have a question for you. Do you still love me?" He asked softly.

"God, yes."

Malcolm's face relaxed. "I'm going to tell you now that I'm not ready for a relationship. I doubt I could handle it emotionally. Would you be willing to wait for me?"

"I'd wait forever." Trip said sincerely.

Malcolm smiled slightly. "We need to work on recovering the remains of our friendship, first. After that, we can see what happens. But this time, Trip, if you have a problem, tell me. Don't push me away. You have to promise me you won't push me away. I couldn't handle losing you a second time."

"I promise." He paused. "I never want to see you like that again, Mal. I thought I was going to die when I saw ya lying so still there on the bathroom floor." Trip squeezed Malcolm's hand. "Please, make me a promise, Mal. No matter what, never do something like that again. Scream at me. Hit me. Put me in traction. Just don't take it out on yerself. I don't know what I'd do if I ever lost you. I'd rather have you hate me than for you to do something like that again."

Malcolm smiled. "As long as you love me, I'll have no reason to."

Trip grabbed Malcolm by the shoulders, shaking him slightly. "No, Mal," he stated vehemently. "Don't live for me. I'm not worth it. No one's worth it. You have to live for yourself. Because you want to live. And if yer willing, I'd like nothing better than to share that life with you, but please understand, you can't live for me. It isn't healthy and it wouldn't create a solid relationship."

"All right, Trip," Malcolm murmured.

Trip let out the breath he'd been holding.

Malcolm took the other man's hands in his. "So, now that that's all out in the open, you don't have any other dark secrets I need to know about, do you?"

Trip laughed, his mood lightening slightly. "Not that I know of."

"Good. I think that's enough emotional upheaval for both of us in one day." He released Trip's hands and sat back down on the bed. "Care to keep me company for a while? I could use some help keeping all my 'admirers at bay.' Not to mention keeping me sane. "

Trip smiled. "Yeah. I'd like that. Wouldn't want you to go against the doctors orders and overexert yerself."

"No, we wouldn't want that," Malcolm replied dryly. "How does a movie sound?"

"Sounds good. Only I'm gonna tell ya right now, let's keep the violent movies down to a minimum, shall we?"

"As well as the Ingrid Bergman movies?" Malcolm replied archly.

"Deal."

"If only we always got along this well," Malcolm smirked.

"We will, Mal. We will."


End file.
